i blinked and watched as light crept up the floor. i know i have been awake this whole time, but i am just now conscious of the fact. a million unknown hues continue to grow together until they peak... at their brightest... they shine
is this what blindness feels like? its not dark...its all white. its indescribable and horrible and -- and its the most beautiful scene i have ever taken in. is this all in my mind? blinking wouldn't be of assistance here. even if i could blink, i have no control over my body...
no. wait... i dont think i have a body at all...
i have no limits. no defined edges. no rules of inertia to keep me moving, or laws of physics to keep me tied to the dirt. looking around, i realize there is no earth...no land...no water. just nothingness. and the building hues...now white...now me. just me and the nothingness...
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its dark again. im back in my body. i know that feeling...
i survey the room. i dont know it. it seems i have returned to life on earth...the life i had before. if i am correct, then in a couple months i'll be living as if this never happened. that's how it always goes.
enter any life at any point, and you will find boredom like waves - its either high tide or low tide. for some, boredom is a constant companion. for some, its comfortable. for some, its death. its true though - our lives are boring.
then it happens. it doesnt matter what "it" is. something, someone, some experience launches us into bright lights and fascination and vitality. the high is unlike any drug - as if you were constantly running on adrenaline and emotion. you start to notice the physical effects - the lack of sleep but spike in energy. you start to breathe smoke. you start taking names. you are an unstoppable, unspeakable virus turning everything you touch to gold.
you are in complete control.
and then subtlety makes rather quick work of your fantasy world... pin-sized holes eventually reveal your blanket of lies. before you know it, you're descending past boredom into depression.
and that is where i spend my time, on the fence between boredom and depression. my inner thighs are calloused from the perfecting of my position. Boredom, to my right, lulls me close with promises of rest. i can ignore him fairly easily, knowing that he will always be there. Depression, that faithful mistress, lounges to my left. her beauty is distorted... as if her veil was intended to be a constant reminder that my essence is not meant to be one with her.
as she rises from her seat, so too does my heart. her first step reveals perfectly shaped porcelain legs... leading up to hips that flow with the breeze... mid-drift exposed to show tattooed skin - and as i study the ink marking her flesh, i notice its alive. the shocking scene makes me squint and it moves across her belly; a beautiful ghost dancing as she breathes venom from the end of her flute. there is a crowd following her. little souls from little men, about ten, follow as close as they can. but now the souls keep increasing in number and decreasing in size.
i shake my head and the scene stops...fades. continuing my discovery of her body, my eyes rest on her breasts... nipples announcing themselves under her garment. i inch up, to her neck and shoulders and lips, remembering past loves... their kisses and smells.
i reach my destination...her eyes.
those dark engulfing eyes. they said so much more than her mouth ever could. like poems that never made sense before, like strangers you fell in love with, like midnight hidden in the eye of a sunrise... i hate that she can read my soul through my eyes.
i think my eyes have finally created a mutiny against the rest of me... they control me now.
i'm not scared of the fact that a look can undo me, i'm terrified of finding the person that knows they can and what it means.
...its all in her eyes...
they shine
